Film Review: "Blair Witch Project" (C-)

This movie is a weird one for me to review, as I liked it when I first saw it but mostly hold hatred for it now. I think mostly my affection for it came from having seen it with one of my best friends and we'd been having a good night and I would have liked anything we put in the DVD player. Truth be told, I've only seen the movie once since then and the repeated watching ended with me wondering how sane I was for liking it the first time around.

This movie was doomed to failure as soon as the studios started to ridiculously over-hype it. Everytime I fucking turned around, a promo was showing or someone was mocking "I'm so scared" or I was hearing how terrifying it was. The only part of the film that is remotely creepy is the end in the house where the friend is standing stock-still in the corner. And even that's not scary - it's more like a really anti-climactic end to a bumpy as shit ride. The anticipation before seeing the movie, plus the anticipation during the movie itself all built up into ... nothing.

Even when this movie was attempting to be scary, it was more laughable than anything else. I read that the actors improved this movie and I give them credit since I would have sucked even worse doing that. Still, the acting felt stilted and lame at best.

This isn't one of those horror movies that you watch because it's really that good. It's more one of those movies that you sit around with a bunch of friends and laugh at, with one person in the group actually getting scared but pretending not to be. It's really an inadvertent horror comedy, which is sad because I had high hopes for it when it came out.

More than anything, I hate being disappointed by a horror film like I was with this one. If you do decide to watch it (or even re-watch it), go into it with no expectations.

And possibly some sort of hard liquor.

Film Review: "Slither" (A)

I figured since yesterday I mentioned "Slither" in another movie review, it was time this film got one of its own.

"Slither" is one of those movies that is pretty damn ridiculous. But it's also one of those films where you spend so much time laughing during it, you really just don't give a shit. It's top notch entertainment, great for a night with friends or to watch alone. I, to my everlasting shame, did not see this one in theaters, but it's worth completely worth it to add this one to your own DVD collection.

James Gunn (writer/director) and his band of merry, hilarious actors are fantastic in this. I have to give special nods to Nathan Fillion, who I love from his TV work, but also because he is one of those actors that can take a stupid circumstance/line and make it seem to be the funniest thing in the world. His facial expressions just crack me up. I, for one, will always remember his fight with the deer. Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker and Gregg Henry are also too good to be true. I really enjoyed Elizabeth Banks' character, who seems to be the damsel in distress at first, but really is so much more than that. Banks is a natural comedic actress and a perfect choice for this role.

One scene that always sticks out in my mind is when Fillion and Henry's characters end up fighting in the police car over choice of soda. Somehow it works. "Slither" is filled with moments like this. While still being violent and filled with plenty of gore, it remains a comedic movie that's bound to end up as some sort of cult classic. Sure, it's cheesy and sometimes just outright stupid ... there are still moments that make you cringe. For me, that was the bathtub sequence as I was sure the worm thing was going to get inside the girl another way. The point is, this movie is disgusting, funny and has plenty of gore. For me, that's already a decent package.

The only thing that bothers me about this movie is the ending. I loved the song choice - the Yayhoos! - but I felt like the overall ending of the movie was anti-climactic at best. I wanted to see a bit more of "life afterwards." At the very least, I wanted there to be more interaction between the survivors. It seemed like a golden opportunity for more than just a half-hearted joke relating to the deer incident, but it just fades out. I liked how all the bodies were splayed about the town, but I still wanted the movie to be wrapped up neater than that.

A life lesson to be learned from all of this is to always keep a grenade handy. See, you can learn from horror films!

Film Review: "Wrong Turn 2: Dead End" (A-)

You know, a lot of people I know that saw "Wrong Turn" didn't like it. I did, although the idea of a sequel made me nervous. Sequels, with the exception of very few, tend to be pretty bad (in my opinion). But, you know what? I really liked "Wrong Turn 2: Dead End."

The thing about this movie is that it doesn't take itself seriously. It's fun and inventive, with some great gore and I found it fairly witty. It mocks how American media seems to be one gigantic reality TV show by taking it to an extreme and ... well, having most everyone die in some horrible (for me, fun) ways. The gore is deliciously over the top. I especially loved the first kill where the girl was cut entirely half.

What's also great about this movie is that it's a direct to DVD movie that doesn't suck. I wish films like this could get theatrical releases, but not many people nowadays have such great appreciation as I do for throwback films to the 70s and 80s (aka when horror films were genuinely fun to watch and you could tell they were a labor of laughter and love). Also, you don't generally expect the acting in a straight to DVD movie to be of a good caliber, but this one is a surprising exception. Henry Rollins is a comic genius - he had me smiling throughout the movie.

Basically, if you're looking for a genuinely entertaining horror film that really doesn't let up or disappoint, this one is for you. If you want to make a night of it, grab five or six of your favorite friends that have a brain and add in some "Hatchet" and "Slither" and you've got yourself one fucking awesome party/mini-marathon.

Book Review: "I Am Legend" (A+!)

I can sum up this review in one sentence: Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend," is easily one of the best vampire novels ever written.

It's complex, intense, disturbing and it made me want to sit down and write a novel about vampires. Or zombies. Or anything remotely terrifying.

"Robert Neville is the last living man on Earth ... but he is not alone."

Now, after reading just that ONE sentence, how can you not want to sit down and tear into this book? I read it in one sitting. The book is impeccably written, the character of Neville is so well-drawn and thought out. I did not want the story to end. It was just too fucking good. How can you not love a novel with something like this ending a chapter:

"On the phonograph, music played, quiet and unhurried.
Outside, the vampires waited." (117)

One of the best facets of the novel is that Matheson draws on the insanity that comes with solitude. Way back in the day, certain prisons used to do solitary confinement 24/7 as a way to punish criminals. Why did they stop it? Because the criminals couldn't take it and would kill themselves and/or go completely crazy. Robert Neville manages to keep a hold on some sanity through his tasks during the day, but at night often falls prey to the temptations of liquor. He's shown as fallible, despite being able to fight off hordes of vampires, and isn't painted as some sort of reluctant superhero. He isn't happy to be alive, he simply exists. He finds himself battling lust just as furiously as he battles the vampires. The novel is centered around vampirism, yes, but is so much more than that. It's about the fragility of humans, how we adapt to extreme situations, and, in the end, how one man becomes a legend.

Another thing I loved about the book was that it doesn't conform to existing models of vampires (or what existed in 1954, when it was originally written). It takes a much different route, forces the reader to think about what is most terrifying to human beings. In my opinion, humans are mostly afraid of our capability of darkness, for our ability to change into something we don't recognize. Vampires are an extreme representation of that and that's exactly why they are so fucking scary.

I could go on about this book for days. The only bad thing about the book is that it seems short. At around 150 pages, it just does not seem like enough, although it is perfectly paced. So my wanting it to be longer is really just a desire for more, rather than anything Matheson actually does wrong. I definitely recommend it, even to those who aren't necessarily fans of vampires or interested in vampire lore.

Note: If the recent movie remake had been done with proper respect to the novel and with an R rating, it probably would have been one of the best horror films of the year.

Film Review: "The Descent" (A+!)

Every so often, a horror movie comes along that makes me want to jump up and down with pure joy and a healthy bit of fear, which is an interesting mix.

One of the downsides of being a tried and true fan of the genre is that you can figure out the entire plot of many horror films in the first 5 minutes. The scares are predictable and the gore is never enough (it's still never enough, in my opinion). One of the fantastic things about this film is that it really did disturb me and make me squirm. It's been a long time since I've actually jumped in a theater. And I admit, I may have jumped and said "oh shit!"

A group of friends go caving and meet up with some scary creatures who are delighted to see and tear into them. The film takes this very simple plot and makes it work so well it's kind of amazing considering the other crappy "scary monster in a cave" movies out there. There are few horror films that can say they are simple, as most try to be far more complex than they need to be. There are sub-plots in "The Descent," but they only add to the film and make it that much better. Neil Marshall, who wrote the film, is a genius.

For starters, "The Descent" is paced wonderfully. The into lulls you into a false sense of security, before a serious car crash and an eerie hospital remind you of what movie you're in. One of the best scares is when Sarah is at the window and the spike hits her in the head. I jump at that every single time I watch this movie (and once I even tried to time it so I wouldn't).

The shots of the cave are spectacular. It's all perfectly lit, with wonderful cinematography, and the sense of claustrophobia gets to even those who aren't afraid of small spaces. I felt decidedly uncomfortable when Sarah was stuck in one of the tunnels and found myself shifting in my seat as if I were the one inside the cave. This film forces you to think about the terror of being trapped and identify with the increasing paranoia. Then, just when you think things are going to settle a little bit, out pop the evil molemen who like the taste of human flesh. The entrance of these creatures, despite guessing ahead of time when and where, made me jump what felt like a few feet out of my chair.

This is where the film gets bloody and it never lets up. And oh, it is bloody. My inner gorehound loved this movie. The fight sequences are fucking awesomely choreographed and there are moments where my mouth dropped open in awe. Even when blood was going everywhere and creatures and humans alike were snarling, the film remained pretty to look at (a major achievement in my book). I love gore anyway it's done, but I especially love it when special care is taken to make everything look good (even in moments of sheer chaos). One of the best scenes is at the end, where Sarah and Juno are the last ones left and end up puncturing eyes and biting off ears. And I can't not give honorable mention to Sarah taking Juno's knee out. That's what you get when you sleep with another woman's husband - a caving tool to the knee!

It was, of course, also nice to see a film where there was no nudity. I love horror and I don't particularly mind naked people on screen (it's never bothered me), but once you've seen 34264 boobs, it's nice to get a break. There were also no ridiculous sexual encounters. I'm tired of seeing people fall into each other's arms as if an orgasm will prevent them from whatever psycho is waiting.

I can't recommend "The Descent" enough. It's so nice to get a break from the same old thing. This is a truly unique film, with a great cast, a great script, a great director ... hell, a great everything. Definitely one of my favorites and it never gets old. I've seen it multiple times. Get the DVD so you can see both endings. I tend to favor the alternate ending (the one the U.S. didn't get), but I also love the one where Sarah takes that deep breath of fresh air and promptly goes nuts. Both seem remarkably realistic to me.

The last thing I'll say is I hope they don't fuck up the planned sequel. I almost with they wouldn't make it because nothing can ever top the original.

Review: "I Am Legend" (B-)

This is one of those movies that I was genuinely excited for, but ended up disappointing me. Not a huge disappointment, but it still didn't quite make the cut for me. But the end of the world is one of my favorite subjects, so it's also very hard to gain my appreciation. Especially with zombie-like creatures involved. 

I'll talk first about the good things. Will Smith's acting, as always, is stellar. It's a heavy burden to basically carry a movie solo, especially one that is so high budget. But even down to his interactions with his dog, Sam, and a mannequin, Fred, he somehow managed to connect and translate it (especially during a later scene in a video store). They tapped into something I feel is crucial and that is, people who are alone for long periods of time are not necessarily the sanest. Social interaction is a huge part of what makes us human and deprived of that, we become scarily close to animals - living only by habit and instinct. I like how they showed Smith's character as desperately holding on to parts of himself (talking with mannequins, setting the table for himself, etc.), but they also added another dimension and alluded to his growing loss of control. 

Another good thing is the visual effects of New York as post-apocalyptic, which are very well done. I loved the long, sweeping shots of what is basically a wasteland. The dog as a supporting role, by the way, was an excellent choice. Not only does it add some depth and uniqueness to what could have been another end of the world flick, but the way they did it was really just fantastic. I know in past movies based off the same book they've had more people survive and I really liked they took this one a different route. And finally, I liked that they used score music sparingly and relied on the character's obsession with Bob Marley, although that did get out of hand towards the end.

Now the bad things. First, I really thought they should've kept the so-called "dark seekers" (zombie like creatures) actually in the dark. The anticipation and seeing them sparingly was actually much better than when they were out and about (the screaming sequences were way too much). That is largely because the special effects done to create them was sub-par and there were some plot points that just didn't sit right with me (a creature creating a mastermind trap to catch the last scientist on earth that can save the planet ... come on). The scares that did happen were too predictable, although I do think if the attacks had been more vicious, there would have been vast improvement. The introduction of two characters with a half an hour left in the film also didn't sit well with me, particularly because the way they finished the film with those two was over the top and cliched. And the narration at the end had me rolling my eyes. 

That being said, you can't go into this movie looking for 28 Days Later (because that movie is one of the best zombie flicks ever). For one thing, the dark seekers aren't zombies, although they do eat people/everything. Plus, the movie's PG-13 rating does hamper the storyline because it doesn't allow for more shocking moments. I would've liked to see a flashback of the initial outbreak and the streets of New York running with blood (melodramatic, I know), but that would have likely called for an R rating. Also, the one thing I did not want to happen in this movie happened (I won't say what, because that's a spoiler) ... and it really did break my heart a little. It's the one thing I can't stand happening in movies and after that, it was hard for me to genuinely like the film. I don't think it was bad, but I'll never be able to watch it again. 

Another thing that annoyed me is that the trailer sort of leads you to believe this movie is going to be in the horror genre. It really isn't and it's being billed as sci-fi, although I don't think it's quite that either. It's a weird sort of mix of the two, with drama thrown in, so I'm really not sure what to call it. And there's also a fair amount of higher budget action scenes added in as well. I was expecting it to be more creepy than it was and I think it had potential for that, but just didn't live up to it. They may also have done that to attract a wider audience.  

Overall, I think the movie is worth a look, although you can probably wait until it comes  out on DVD and not miss anything. Will Smith's acting alone is a reason to see it, but again, you aren't missing out by not seeing it on the big screen. Then again, f you're not a horror fan/film geek who thinks post-apocalyptic movies have to be nearly perfect to warrant an A, you'll probably enjoy it more than I did.

Review: "Hatchet" (A+!)

Now it's time to review one of my favorite recent horror movies, but also one that within 10 minutes of watching it became one of my all-time favorites (a category that is NOT easy to get into).

Hatchet is brilliantly funny, doesn't take itself seriously, and pays great homage to the films of the slasher golden years. The acting is spot-on and I really just fell in love with so many moments in this film. I feel like any review I write is not going to do it justice.

First off, I have quite the crush on Joel David Moore. He's so fucking cute in this awkward way and his expressions during this film just had me laughing my ass off. There is something about him ... I'm not sure what it is, but I hope I get to meet him one day and I hope he needs a girlfriend because I am certainly up to it. Hell, I'll take pretty much anything he has to offer. To give you perspective: I like him so much, I sat through the worst horror movie quite possibly ever - "The Dead One" - just to see him. He is just the right person for this role. Also, on that note, having seen him in other films (most notably his film "Spiral," which blew my mind), I know he is more than just a comedy/horror actor.

The supporting cast is also seven different shades of awesome. I'm not sure you can count Kane Hodder as Victor Crowley supporting, but he's definitely suited to horror films. Plus, he's motherfucking gigantic. And Deon Richmond as Marcus was a riot. Seriously, the scene where he climbs the tree? I nearly choked I was laughing so hard and then I spent the next five minutes wondering why people just don't climb trees. It kind of makes sense, but I guess then you wouldn't have a movie. Mercedes McNab plays the dumb pornstar with an STD so well and is genuinely funny, although I do wish she would find another role besides the dumb blonde to play.

The script is amazing. There are not many writers out there that can do horror and comedy, much less mix the two. There were several moments where I'd be laughing, then suddenly jump because something scary happened. It was a great mix. And I want to be clear this isn't one of those dumb comedies that makes you laugh once (if even that). I've seen this film multiple times and every single time, I laugh. It's smart, it's gorey, and it's just a great throwback film to the 80's. I wish more horror films today were like this.

Adam Green is a genius. He's done many things I love ... the other film being "Spiral" which he co-directed with Joel David Moore (review later) and also his short films (which are beyond hilarious).

SEE IT or you are dead to me (and climbing a tree will not help you).